On week 3 of our teaching series YOU, SEX & GOD, we discussed ‘Decisive Sex’ which looked at the teaching of singleness from 1 Corinthians 7. Download the audio here if you missed it.

The Apostle Paul encourages singles to remain single if they can master their sexual urges and are not called to marriage. Because romance is idolized as one of the highest forms of personal fulfillment in our culture, most Christians don’t really consider singleness as a viable option. And they should. If Christ is the center of our lives, there is nothing he can’t ask of us. Let me challenge singles right now, as Paul did, consider remaining single. REALLY CONSIDER IT. And I mean really.

Having said that, marriage is an EXCELLENT thing which most people are called to. Even though singleness can at times have its advantages, those who marry will do well. The challenge we face is that a God honoring pathway to marriage in our culture is super unclear and often full of difficulty.

So, here is a map for singles to follow, those of course who are called to marry. This process is old school, but so are dinosaurs, and we spend money to build homes for these dead ancient creatures and then spend more money to go and look at their bones. Trust me, marriage is way more important than dinosaurs, even though both are old school.

9 stages from singleness to marriage:

1. Maximize your premarital years: Use your solo time to learn sexual self-control. Marriage requires an enormous amount of self-control. If you are promiscuous or sinning through lust, porn, masturbation (etc …) as a single person, guess what, that WILL be your struggle as a married person. LEARN IT NOW. Honor your future spouse. Immaturity in this area can extend your singleness and ruin a future marriage. This is a big deal. Stay sexually pure. Listen to Dangerous Sex for further help.
2. Pray: Duh! You have not because you ask not. If you ask God on a regular basis for a spouse that will love Him more than you, He likes to answer those requests. If you are sure you’re called to marriage, then prayer will help you wait on God’s timing, be submissive to His will and you can also be assured that your future marriage will be a gift from God and centered in Him. You need to trust God in this area.
3. Christians ONLY please: God does NOT want you to be unequally yoked. Do not pursue, consider, flirt or allow opportunity to marry someone who hasn’t submitted their life to Christ. It is not God’s will for you. You will ultimately be unhappy in such a union. If you are dating someone outside of Christ, end it as soon as you can and God will reward your obedience. It won’t be easy, but this one is so critical, please don’t mess with it. Scripture is clear. The person you marry will define the rest of your life.
4. Community: You need to be IN community for 2 reasons. 1) Wisely use your single time to serve God through building the local church. Churches are often built on the sweat and availability of singles. Put His kingdom first in this way. 2) You may find your future spouse in this context. The church is not a dating service, but it is a family, and you can build healthy friendships and hopefully avoid the selfishness and independence that can come with prolonged singleness. A special someone may emerge from this context.
5. Character: This is an often overlooked part in the process. Of course you have to work on maturing your own character, but an important life skill is the habit of discerning the character of those around you. This is important for selecting your friends, mentors and of course a future spouse. Start looking at what people say and what people do. Match those things together. This will position you to better disciple those around you, but it will also challenge you to grow. The key for this on the way to marriage is that once romantic feelings start, they quickly get strong and cloud your judgment. Be discerning, look at what people say, and what they do. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you felt emotional about for a few months, only to find out that they have a crappy character. Don’t marry someone to change them. That’s God’s job.
6. Courtship: As soon as you start developing feelings for someone, courtship begins! What is this? You need to take it to court. A court of friends and mentors that is. Courtship is a romantic interest explored in community. Don’t keep your feelings to yourself, they can misguide you. Don’t share your feelings with everyone either, just a few that you know and trust, and that hopefully know the person of interest. They can guide you about the suitability of the relationship and their assessment. You must trust that God is using this courtship process to protect you. Trust the people He has entrusted you with. If you literally cannot go through a courtship process because their are no other Christians within a couple of hundred miles, then lay hands on yourself, pray and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance. Pick up a phone and get counsel from elsewhere. Remember, a relationship is not about you, it is about God’s kingdom.
7. Definition: If you get a green light from the previous step, then this step is for men. Men, bring definition to the relationship. Tell her your feelings. You want to pursue a relationship with her. Whatever the language is, the relationship you seek is romantically exclusive and sexually pure. Do this face to face. This means the people around you need to know you are an item. You are both off the market (excuse the financial term). Ladies, you really don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who cannot do this. If he is a chicken about this, and you lead in this aspect, this pattern will repeat itself down the road. He won’t initiate with other areas of the relationship. Future children, financial responsibility, building a life together, improving your relationship, etc … You will eventually get fed up with a passive man like this. He needs to show you up front that he will fight for the relationship. If you like a Godly guy, then trust that God will move his heart. Men, be strong. Risk a turn down. Fight for a woman!
8. Consider marriage: You may not know for a while if this is “it”. That’s ok, but shouldn’t go on forever. It’s a clear yes or no issue. Do you want to marry this person? As soon as the answer is “no” then end the relationship. Do not let their emotions go deeper and therefore inflict more pain on them. End it as carefully and quickly as possible. If it’s a “yes”, then, because you are still in courtship mode, check in with trusted friends and mentors. You need to make sure you are practically and spiritually in a place to get married.
9. Ask: Again, if you have green lights here, the dude needs to ask for her father’s permission, and then to ask for her hand in marriage. Go out on a limb and get the ring yourself. Don’t fear getting this one wrong. Don’t be afraid to drop some money on this. She’s worth it. In all this, seek counsel from those who have gone before you. Men, you need to initiate pre-martial counseling. Some of you think you don’t need it. I guarantee you, YOU NEED IT. Be a man, get it, don’t wait for your lady to initiate this one. Call your pastor and get pre-marital counseling. It will save your marriage. She will have great respect for you if you take action on this.

This isn’t necessarily a comprehensive list, I’m sure there is more to add. But it gives a God honoring framework for navigating your way from singleness to marriage. Trust God with this and He will bless your future marriage. And again, don’t forget to actually consider singleness.

Single? Listen to Decisive Sex.

Married? Definitely remain as you are, and check out Daily Sex.