At the age of 24, I was on a firm foundation academically and professionally. Despite all that, my real journey in life had always been an existential one. It didn’t matter how my hierarchy of needs was being met: I was confounded by the mysteries of life. I was troubled, and I strove for transcendence. I didn’t care about the same things as others, and I wore this enlightenment as a badge of pride. My other primary obstacle: a never-ending battle against lust.

Overall, I knew a lot about Christianity (or so I thought), but I did not find that world view compelling enough to explain the fullness of all I saw around me. I moved on to explore spirituality on my own terms, and I was drawn heavily toward new age and mystic ideas. I began practices like yoga and transcendental meditation. Through this, I found temporary moments of bliss, but I could never conjure up any permanent peace.

Not too long ago, I was hitting a wall in my journey, and I became obsessed with the idea that psychedelic/shamanic drugs would provide the means for the breakthrough that I was looking for. Long story short, I followed this ambition through. To my surprise, it actually worked. Unfortunately, the crescendo of my mystical enlightenment quickly transitioned into something that I did not expect. Spiritual oppression.

I did not realize it at the time, but I believe now that I had opened myself up to the forces of spiritual wickedness in high places through that psychedelic media. In my behavior the followed, I count myself lucky to have escaped, as I was temporarily given over to my sin. It was clear to me after this that despite all the education, spiritual seeking, and “noble” intentions that I thought I was comprised of, I had never been so far away from truth.

This idea was enough to stop me in my tracks for the time being. I fought hard against my temptations for the next couple of weeks as I reflected deeply on where I was in life. After not too long though, I could feel myself slipping back into my old tendencies. I was going to chase after the allure and revisit these experiences once more, when I suddenly felt a still, small voice from within commanding me, “do not do it.”

I was confused, but I stopped and thought, “why shouldn’t I?”

Strangely, I then felt an undeniable conviction and response that I would find my answers that day if I opened up the Bible in order to deeply assess the concept of the forbidden fruit and original sin within Genesis.

As soon as possible that day, I read the text in response to this new direction. My eyes were suddenly wide open. I saw the rebellion and the lie of the serpent as it pertained to me. Furthermore, I saw the foreshadowed seed of the woman that would come and crush the head of the serpent while it would bruise his heel.

I thought of Jesus. Could this be him? I then came across John 3:14 that said, “as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up.” The lightbulb suddenly went on in my mind after all these years of searching.

What I saw on the cross was apparent: the wage of sin was death. I was afraid, but I wasn’t left without hope. The answer was in Jesus. I thought that if Jesus was God, then I could believe that God is good. Furthermore, if God is good then I can trust that his commandments are worth abiding in. Finally, if it were true that Christ really did take on our sins as the suffering servant, then I could believe that he would bear with me now in all of my brokenness.

Upon this realization, the greatness of His way was suddenly there upon me, and I felt Christ’s spirit testifying of the truth in me. He implored me to decide in that moment. I could go on willfully sinning and continue down that road all the way to my death, or I could be changed by living through Him from here on out. I chose life.

In that moment everything changed. I tell you that nothing will ever compare in this life to the joy I felt as God lifted the physical weight of my sins off from upon my shoulders. The presence of the Almighty shrouded me, and the oppressive forces that plagued me suddenly and tangibly fled in an instant. Unbelievably, I knew at once that my lustful addictions were defeated in one swift stroke.

Beyond this freedom, a fire was spurred inside me to read and seek out his word. I devoured the Bible, and I began telling people what occurred to me. I found the church of my baptism a couple of months later, and there I found a great community of believers to share with in fellowship.

I imagine that my seeking and floundering would have gone on in perpetuity had God not intervened after an especially low point in my life. Only God could have humbled me, and I’m glad he did. Since then, much and everything has changed. I have not been perfected by any means, but where I once fed my lust and sought after transcendence, my portion has become the peace found in the Spirit of the Lord and in the enjoyment of a renewed mind capable of understanding more about God in His word every day.